I grew up in a Christian family. In fact, my Dad was a pastor when I was younger. I remembering “accepting” Christ at a very young age: 5. Although I did not quite understand the extent to what I was doing, I believe God saved me because I was fully aware of my sin at a very young age. I had strong convictions about my sin and a constant urging to confess my sin to others. These convictions ended up turning into guilt and shame, which I carried for so many years of life. As I grew older, my relationship with Christ was more of a contract. If I did this for the Lord, then He would do this for me. If things were going wrong in my life or not exactly as I planned, I blamed the Lord. In high school, I had a bitter anger towards Him. I cannot say I was walking with the Lord at that time. I had a huge desire to just do the things of this world, but also huge fear that I would get in trouble. I always felt like I fell short. Often I just sat on the fence, not really standing up for what I believed and not fully giving into the things of the world. I often felt that God was always disappointed with me. However, when things didn't go my way or consequences came because of my actions, I became furious and upset with God.
I see now how much I wrapped myself and defined myself by such fleeting things. My identity was defined by how well I performed. Whether it was school, track, cheerleading or being friendly, popular, or making my parents proud; my identity was found in the things I did or how I appeared to others. I graduated from High School and went to Texas A&M. I didn't realize my life was in for such a change. I became very depressed. Everything I had defined myself by was gone. I no longer had my family around all the time. I was no longer "known" by people in my school. Even the friends I had couldn't fix the loneliness and hopelessness that was occurring in my heart. I was home sick, emotionally and physically drained, and hopeless. About 2 years before college, I had been struggling with body image and eating disorder issues. I was also struggling with a lot of habitual sins that had been present the majority of my life. It had been a constant battle. My low self-esteem carried on into college and being depressed on top of those struggles just pushed me into more darkness. By God's grace, I didn't become bitter and angry with Him this time. Although I was confused why I had become so depressed, I knew that He was my only hope. I remember so many times sitting on my bed reading the Psalms. Each chapter just resonated with my soul. Thankfully the Lord placed amazing Godly women in my life. God led me to join a Bible study focused on girls with eating disorders and body image issues. I was able to have truth spoken into my life and slowly gained confidence in HIM, who never changes. That is one that the Lord taught me that year. Looks will fade, people will fail you, we won't always have God-given athletic abilities, grades are eventually obsolete, BUT God never changes. "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." (Hebrews 13:8).
That's why I love that hymn “In Christ Alone/Solid Rock.” ALL other ground is sinking sand. I am so grateful to the Lord. I am so thankful to Him for allowing depression in my life. For me, God used depression to draw me to Himself. How can I not be grateful to Him, who allowed so much pain in my life in order to bring me to the best thing- Himself? It was the Lord's loving discipline in my life showing me how much I need Him. That is grace. I am so thankful that He didn't allow me to keep going down the path I was heading down. Yet even as I get older and I am experiencing many things in life, I see there are highs and lows. However, God constantly reminds me of who He is. For along time I truly believed that God was always angry with me or just fed up with me. I still am a sinner. Yet, I didn't truly realize until recently that all of God's actions towards me are out of love because I am His child. I use to think that suffering and pain in my life was punitive. Now I see it is His loving grace. I see that it's only by Jesus' blood that God is able to see me as righteous, even when I still sin everyday. He gives me an unchanging joy that makes me excited to live life and share Him with others.
Anna Jones
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